After a heavy week, I needed to write something to lighten the mood. Thus….
I am not a big fan of language. I believe it to be skewed, imperfect and wrought with potential dangers. Unfortunately it is all we got to connect with each other in our global village. So, in that spirit, this blog intends to clear up some frequent misuses, or at least inconsistencies, in the English language.
Having traveled to many non-English speaking countries while having some friends whose English is a second, or perhaps even a third, language, I possess a heightened sensitivity to English phrasing and colloquialisms. We have so many inconsistencies in our English vernacular it must be very difficult for anyone who was not born and bred into the language to gain a “firm grasp” (though I’m not grasping anything) on its use. In fact, it must be “hard as shit” to learn…never mind the fact that I could think of a thousand different substances that possess far greater hardness and density to express this level of difficulty…even for the most constipated among us.
I think you know where I am headed. I understand slang (i.e. sick, dope, bling, pimp) yet what I am talking about are words or phrases firmly embedded in our everyday, somewhat informal, lexicon…at least for some of us.
So what do you say we “get this party started” (ironically it’s a blog, not a party) with a bang?
Speaking of bangs, we all rightly say that we “shoot” or “fire” a gun though why do we also “shoot an email,” or, now, “shoot a text?” I suppose it is no different from when we “shot a picture” as both phrases make absolutely no sense. If we literally either “shoot a picture” or “shoot an email” we would end up only with a nasty mess of celluloid bits and/or small chunks of microchips and metal.
Consider Rene’s favorite phrases (and she knows how I feel about them), “pop the trunk” or “pop the hood.” We do not pop these things -we open or even “release” these things. We pop a balloon, pop a bubble and even pop our corn. Hoods and trunks? These mechanisms are highly resistant to popping…and, in fact, I would argue are quite unpoppable.
What about those phrases we use as a sign we do not care for something? Consider the phrase, “I don’t give a shit/crap.” If we really want someone to know we care little for something, would we not want to give them our crap as a sign of its 
total lack of value? Conversely, if someone does not care for something of mine, why would I claim, “You do not give a crap?” If someone is not giving me their crap that is a good thing…like monkeys with their enemies, we would throw our crap at bad ideas. I suppose one could argue that you care so little for something you would not even give that them your least valuable possession -your crap- I would contend that giving them your crap is a far worse fate than not giving a crap.
Closely related to this-and the more accurate phrase- would be, “I don’t give a fuck” -and this makes perfect sense. Why do we use shit/crap and fuck as if they are synonymous? Last time I checked crap was quite unpleasant while “to fuck” is, well, awesome. If I tell someone “I do not give a fuck,” it means I am not going to part with something quite valuable in my life. If I tell someone they do not give a fuck, they are not willing to offer up something valuable for my idea.
I hereby resolve that it is high time we all stopped giving a fuck and started giving a crap when we hear a bad idea.
And speaking of crap, none of us ever “take a crap,” we all, “leave a crap.” For that matter, unless you are remodeling your bathroom and are in the Home Depot looking for prefab shower installations, no one ever “takes a shower” either. We experience, perhaps even enjoy, a shower or bath, yet we never “take” one.
I really do not mean to harp on bodily functions, though the next time you are “going to vomit,” could send me vomit’s address and perhaps I could join you? Perhaps they live next door to their close cousins pee and poop. Often times when our body is preparing to do something we mistake this for a location we are going to…no, the bodily functions come to us and we await their arrival, we do not go to it. You are never “going to pee or poop” as the pee and poop pleasantly comes to you.
There are just some phrases in our language that reflect something we do not do anymore yet we would never know it based on our language use. The next time someone tells you they are writing a book, ask them what kind of pen they are using. The fact is, they are not “writing” a book; they may be typing one, creating one or even constructing one. The last author to write and/or “pen” a book was probably Charles Dickens.
Our language needs to keep up with our expanding technologies.
Technology is quickly changing the way we use language. Five years ago if someone told me they wanted to “Facetime” me I either would have been disgusted or delighted, pending the hotness of the requester -and don’t get me started on someone who wants to “Skype” me.
In regards to evolving technologies, back when I was raising kids, if you told me you bought some nice ear buds, I would have thought you purchased dogs that can play football.
Some phrases I understand in practice, yet if you really think about them in the theoretical sense, they are “hard to swallow.”
For example, would we ever want someone to really, “lend us a hand?” If we desire someone’s help I am quite certain we would prefer they use two hands. If anything it should read, could you please “lend me both hands?” Speaking of needing assistance, why do we need to “pick up the slack?” Would it not be better if we were to tighten the slack? At the very least “slack” should only be picked up for the purpose of discarding it.
And please do not get me started on the “I am hungry” thing. You may feel hungry or desire food, but rest assured, you are not hungry or famished or starving or full, you are (insert first name here).
It is now time to start “winding down” this blog. Of course this blog has no levers or cranks, but I think you get the idea.
And speaking of down.
A friend informed me the other day, anyone who gives a good “blow job,” should be fired. Last time I checked, there is absolutely no blowing involved in a BJ “worth its salt.”
But you knew that.
And probably don’t give a shit…or was it fuck? Whatever.
