Anyone Want To Cuddle?

When I first heard the title, “Cuddle Party,” my mind went to the place that your mind is probably going to now; a very weird, new age-y, ultra L.A. fluff, moderately obscene group of people engaging in a type of pre-orgy, foreplay ritual. Ok, maybe your mind is not as perverted as my own, yet I would wager whatever it is you might think these parties might be, you are not even close to what they indeed really are.

And, yes, they really do exist. I “touched” on them in a blog I wrote several years ago. However, when I first heard about such gatherings, I absolutely abhorred the thought of it, let alone imagined going to one.

Why? Frankly, I was never a big “toucher” in my life. I did have a father who was extremely physically affectionate (for which I am very thankful) yet a mother who was exceedingly non-tactile. As a result, I would never consider myself weird and dysfunctional when it came to touch, yet I was very uncomfortable with it -sans those closest to me.

For example, for my 25th birthday my father gave me a gift certificate for a massage –I said thank you and then promptly gave it away as I was not about to have a stranger touch me.

I came to learn that such parties are not about cuddling per se, rather they are groups where individuals can practice asking for what they want, setting boundaries for those things they do not want, while learning the joy of acceptance and the impersonal nature of rejection. Touch is simply the currency used to practice and learn such skills. Hell, they could use dollar bills, food or just about anything else to learn these same concepts. In addition, and perhaps ironically, we all have a surplus of touch at our disposal in society, yet, for a variety of reasons, many still are starving for it as it is a practice we do not engage in nearly enough.

Not me. I’m good. Or am I?

Fast forward to circa 2011. As I shuttered at the thought of such parties, I have this weird chip deep inside of me that is programmed to try things that are WAY outside my comfort zone.

So I made the trek down to a Santa Monica 3rd Street Promenade yoga studio. I sat in a circle with strangers and a cuddle guru, who spent the better part of an hour instructing us on the boundaries, rules, purpose and objectives of our soon to be cuddle experience.

Long story short: I hated it…beyond hate, it truly hurt. I was neither the recipient nor provider of touch that entire long evening.

It was the long trip back over the 405 that I knew I needed to go back and revisit the touch demons inside of me; tactile apparitions that needed either some desperate attention or a flat out exorcism.

I went to few more, another in Santa Monica, a couple in the Bay Area and one in Santa Cruz. It was after this last Santa Cruz experience, circa 2012, was when I concluded my Cuddle Party experiment was over and my demons were at long last retreated. Me and my cuddles were set to retire.

Make no mistake, I still did not like Cuddle Parties, yet I least mustered the competency to not vomit at the thought of going to one.

Fast forward to 2017.

I have the wonderful opportunity to have good chunks of time off in both the winter and summer, while giving me ample time to experience life outside of my teaching. It was during this season when I once again stumbled into the cuddle world.

For a variety of reasons, I found myself at an outdoor Cuddle “Sanctuary” this past Sunday afternoon on the beach in Santa Monica. I really do not know the history, though somewhere in this 5-year period, “parties” morphed into “sanctuaries” and I must say that I am down with the reverent feel of the latter moniker. After all, in spite of the fact I am not terribly comfortable with it, at some level I do believe touch is sacred as we depend on it for survival. I did commit to going on Friday morning, then promptly spent the next 40 hours or so trying to think of excuses why I should back out.

I couldn’t. It was that damn uncomfortable chip gnawing away at my soul again.

The sanctuary was really no different than the party. We spent the first hour doing exercises and going over the ground rules. One of the things I love about the experience is that no touch is required at all. People attend these events to practice setting boundaries in their lives, learning how to say no. I have really never had a problem setting boundaries in life, yet I have had issues asking for what I want and being cool with the consequent response.

I was in the right place.

So with my slight nervous shake and rapid heartbeat, I engaged once again, now a few years older and, ideally, a wee bit wiser.

I hugged numerous people. Held hands with someone as we talked about our families, used one’s thigh as a pillow, even had a thumb war or two with some folk. Every act of touch needs to be mutually agreed upon and any touch whatsoever requires permission. It is expressly non-sexual, while even the issue of, “What if something suddenly pops up?” is addressed and the best ways to appropriately deal with any “rising” concerns.

I certainly cannot speak for everyone, yet for me, these events are very strange and highly unusual –kinda like me.

I left the event relatively unscathed and realized that I am certainly cementing myself as the “older guy” at many gatherings in my life. I suppose that being the older gent does have its perks…such as really not giving a shit about saving face and caring what others might think. TOFTS (Too Old For This Shit).

However, what did not strike me that day hit me like a sledge hammer later that same evening.

We had a small gathering of people over to watch my son’s film, “Going To Nepal With A Camera On My Forehead.” In this moving documentary about people, cultures and countries coming together in love, in times of both peace and crisis, the film struck me in a way it has never struck me in the half a dozen or so times I have viewed it. My son just happened to be in Nepal and filming when the April 2015, 7.9 earthquake hit the country, and is all documented in this film.

Perhaps it was the intimacy of touch and human connection I experienced that day on the beach that put me in a connected place of insight and vulnerability that evening. I literally reached out and touched others as we expressed our lives, frailties and general bullshit we humans tend to carry with us on a daily basis.

As I watched humanity connect with each other on the screen that evening- people helping people, the healthy helping the sick, the “haves” pouring out their resources on the “have nots,” the resonance of my own day came into focus.

I was connected.

And I felt it.

I cried over the beauty of humanity reaching out and touching each other in love during a time of great need.

And it felt really good to understand the power of both literal and figurative touch.

I knew there was a reason that gnawing chip inside of me would not let me sit this one out.

We all have a surplus of touch currency and what a shame to let it go to waste.

And, on this day, I felt to be a richer man for it.




  1. It seems like you think that interpersonal contact may have made you more prone to an emotional or sympathetic response to the hardships of others distant to you. It seems most people do consider this to be a positive thing, but I think I remember reading about someone saying people can only empathize to a limited extent. That would likely mean empathizing with people who are distant from you could be a distraction from the more immediate needs of others located much closer to you. The logical conclusion would then be that something making you more prone to react emotionally to distant problems is bad, because you are more likely to neglect the people who need you, and who you can help.

    I just want to ask would you consider the experience of participating in these cuddle parties a positive, because they helped invoke sympathy, or do you think of them as being somewhat negative, because they may be feeding emotions that distract from your more immediate family and friends, because you could be focused on the distress of others that you cannot help?.

    • Thank Harley, I always appreciate your responses. First off, if I took a class on identifying my personal emotions I am pretty sure I would fail. I suck at it. I suppose I preface with that cause anything I am about to write should be read through that lens. Whenever I do have a strong, visceral, emotional response to something, I do attempt to figure out where it came from and what prompted it. I do not think I was feeling either empathy or sympathy that evening as I was touched by the connecting of humanity taking place on the screen. I really did not dig any deeper than to be touched by viewing the act of people, across cultures, helping each other out in times of distress. Perhaps the tears were generated by joy, not sympathy. I then further connected the dots (perhaps incorrectly, I really do not know) that perhaps the act of touch and connection felt that day, more readily drew me into that place. Or maybe not. Not sure. I can only opine.

      Insofar as taking me away from my loved ones? Never. In fact, my emotional tank is nearly exclusively reserved for my family. I do not have the emotional strength to expend on anyone but my family. I do not infer I cannot get emotional (cry at a movie, be touched by an act of kindness, cry at a funeral) I simply do not have the reserves to get into the emotional ring and spar with anyone except those closest to me. I hope that makes sense.

      • You seem to talk about emotions as if they are a measurable finite thing, but I do not quite see things that way. I never feel like an emotional response drains from some kind of reserve for me. No, it does not make sense to me, that you can feel emotional empty. The experience of life is just subjective, I suppose.

  2. I haven’t read your blog in a while my friend. But this one caught my eye. Thank you for sharing your experiencing. I love touch. I need the physical attention touch brings. Hugs, kisses, non-sexual, sexual, I need it all! Although I could not see myself at a cuddle sanctuary of any kind. After reading this, now I must go!
    I have found that my children have allowed me to become more comfortable with giving and receiving physical attention. I am very grateful to have come from a “touching” family. We hug, kiss, we rub each other’s heads. I make my boys give me one hug per day no matter how busy or teenager they are. Not to get weird but I am their first relationship with a woman and I hope they do not feel repression or a sense of unavailability when it comes to love and affection from their mama. My father, though a good and loving man could not show affection to me and I have spent years continually seeking male affection. I like to see myself as this free spirited lover but apon reflection I am still seeking as an adult, horny woman’s version of a man’s affection.
    I don’t know if a cuddle session will help me grow or evolve into the enlightened person I aspire to be but it may just help me take a look at the parts of me that require some attention.

    • Thank you Shanagolden! I did not write this blog than for any other reason than to express my experiences that day. I am not pimpin Cuddle Sanctuaries at all…that said, they are every Wednesday and Saturday night in Venice at the “Lovedome.” Yes, the “Lovedome.” Thank you for your very honest response concerning touch. I do think it is weird that when it comes to touch, we all like to point to a parent to explain our particular orientation towards it. I know I do. Maybe I need to rethink that. I typically do not blame or praise my parents for most of my other tendencies, so why touch behavior?? Hmmmm…

  3. I love seeing the journey of a wise man continue to work on self improvement. Very inspiring.
    Seems like introspection is more like running a marathon, rather than a quick sprint, in your experiences.

  4. This is the first blog of yours that I have read and I have to say that it was very interesting to me. I can definitely relate to you in terms of not preferring to be touched by strangers. I have never heard of these “Cuddle Parties” and I do not think that I would be brave enough to attend one. I do, however, relate to the self reflection that you shared. I, myself, am a “self-reflector”. As I get older I find self reflection to be more important than ever. I tend to spend time each week self reflecting on improvements that I can make within myself, how to have better understanding of things that I may not have agreed with, and also how I could have better handled controversial or uncomfortable situations.
    In regards to your emotional response to your son’s documentary, do you think that you crying while watching this may have come from a more personal place within you? Your son was far away from home in a seemingly dangerous natural disaster. He brings you home this evidence of him being in the situations he was in and documenting the humanity of people coming together to help one another in a time of need. Maybe you are emotionally grateful that he was okay? Maybe you felt emotional because you were witnessing the fear that your son must have felt?
    I wonder if you would have felt emotional if the documentary was made by someone you were not close to? Could the connection you felt been simply because your child was in that situation?
    Just a thought..

    • In regards to your emotional response to your son’s documentary, do you think that you crying while watching this may have come from a more personal place within you? Probably…though I have a very low EQ so who knows?

      Your son was far away from home in a seemingly dangerous natural disaster. He brings you home this evidence of him being in the situations he was in and documenting the humanity of people coming together to help one another in a time of need. Maybe you are emotionally grateful that he was okay? My son has traveled and lived in over 36 countries…I stopped worrying about him years ago.

      Maybe you felt emotional because you were witnessing the fear that your son must have felt? Again, I have a low EQ though I don’t think so.

      I wonder if you would have felt emotional if the documentary was made by someone you were not close to? Probably not.

      Could the connection you felt been simply because your child was in that situation? Again, I don’t think so.

  5. This article caught my eye after a brief discussion in class were “cuddle parties” were brought up. With the way you spoke of cuddle parties, I would’ve never though you disliked cuddle parties at any point! However , being that you were able to find significance in something that could come have multiple initial reactions to just the name, but also different experiences coming out of the cuddle party.
    I really like the idea of cuddle parties and feel they should be implemented in college, or maybe even high school settings. Learning consent is a huge part of young adults life when starting to become sexually active. And with all the stories in the news, when alcohol is involved, consent seems to become a blur. However, if consent is practiced and more embedded in these young adults mind, it can become much more natural, due to being practiced, giving consent or not giving consent. Also, what you brought up about asking what one wants, in similar predicaments, one may feel more confident asking for what they want and do not want and the partner, hopefully having some practice with this as well, is able to respect those boundaries.

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