I was perusing through some old blogs I have written (I am in my 8th year of blogging) for the purpose of finding out how some of my views have changed and evolved over the years -if at all. One particular blog that caught my eye concerned the subject of cheating, and not in the classroom exam or tax evasion sense, rather in the relational sense.
This particular blog entry received a lot of feedback…so perhaps it is time to revisit.
Since I wrote that entry back in August of 2015, a couple of things strike me. First off, it has been one of the longest blogs I have ever written -meaning I attempted to take some painstaking steps to truly be understood and not misinterpreted. Secondly, not only did I receive a lot of comments on the blog itself, it raised a lot of conversations in my “non-blog,” real life, as well. In fact, a WHOLE lot.
I would encourage you to read it if you have not done so. But, if not, I now provide you with the “Reader’s Digest” version (google it kids).
It is clearly a subject matter that not only has a lot of emotions attached to it, yet also a high level of relevance as well. It is an issue that has affected most people in some way, shape or form. If we ourselves have not cheated or been cheated on, I am certain all of us know many who have.
If I were to summarize my general argument contained in that entry nearly 5 years ago, the 4 bullet points would be as follows:
- Cheating is a hugely emotionally volatile issue. Many “victims” of cheating cannot discuss it without feelings of deep hurt and anger. It is a trigger. It is difficult to look at the issue apart from our emotions and discuss it purely rationally. I understand this.
- Cheating is absolutely pervasive. It happens more than we could possibly imagine and we can never know the real number of this highly secretive activity; yet a bit of logic suggests it is astronomically high.
- In rare, “though protesteth too much” form, many of those who are most vocal and intolerant of cheaters, likely struggle the most with it. I do not say they cheat (though likely do) they just really want to.
- Finally, I ask why do we harbor such gross intolerance over a behavior that most everyone struggles with at some level? Many people would rather divorce or break up than to work through the psycho dynamics of “cheating,” which, I argue, is a natural human propensity. Unfortunately for most, cheating is a deal breaker. I find this very unfortunate.
So Has My Position Changed Since 2015?
Yes, somewhat, and now I am a bit more nuanced in my thinking as I do so see some value in attempted monogamy. I now would liken the goal of monogamy to anything in life we strive for, even while confronting the strong probability we will not achieve it, though not due to a lack of effort. Back in the day when I ran marathons, I trained very hard full well knowing I was not going to win, but that did not stop me from trying. Attempting to win made me a better runner. More on this in a moment.
Cheating, Jealousy and Salience
I realize that at the heart of this issue lies the correlating ideas of honesty, healthy communication, betrayal, and….
Jealousy. A shit ton of jealousy. Perhaps even the very existence of cheating is driven by a very unhealthy feeling of jealousy.
Jealousy may be to cheating what overeating is to obesity. Without the former there would be no latter.
Yes, if a loved one promises you they are going to do, or not do, something and violate that something, it hurts. Yet, it only hurts to the extent we give that violation salience (meaning the level of meaning and importance we attach to it, in the sense that, “everything is what you make it”). If your loved one promised they would stop and pick up a loaf of bread on their way home from work and forget to do so, I doubt many of us would harbor deep, ill will towards that loved one. Unless, of course, we gave the act of picking up a loaf of bread great salience in the relationship. And that is our choice. And how we react to anything is ultimately our choice.
The reality is that most of us give the issue of cheating an extremely high level of relevance. It is an issue that stands out above all other potential issues in a relationship.
And it is this salience of “cheating” of which I am most fundamentally concerned.
Because we give this “violation” so much centrality, we will continue to propagate dishonesty, feelings of betrayal, jealousy and hurt.
At the core of such propagation, lies many myths surrounding the human condition. The myth of monogamy as “natural” (no need to repeat myself if you read the original blog); the myth that we are robot-like and lack real human emotion and drives; and, finally, the myth that attraction is self-generated and we are responsible for those in whom we find ourselves attracted (oooo….perhaps the notion of attraction should be my next blog….I am fascinated with it).
In addition, mainstream culture makes the mistake of assuming it. Like every other issue in a relationship, the idea of striving for monogamy (or not) must be a discussed and negotiated aspect of any mature relationship. As an old acquaintance, Cara, once told me when explaining her divorce, “We were in an open relationship. He just forgot to tell me about it.”
Now Back To My Change.
As previously stated, I am not suggesting AT ALL that striving for monogamy cannot be a great discipline and, in many cases could be the gold standard for many couples (conceding that every relationship is different and we must honor the uniqueness for every couple to define their relationship in their own way). It may be the striving after monogamy that keeps us separate from most other animal species. I absolutely concede that there may be a lot of value in attempting it…perhaps this is where I differ most from 2015 Jimmy.
Now, that said, the problem lies not in our attempt to pull-off a feat that is quite unnatural (monogamy), it is our reaction when one engages in an act that is very natural (an extra relational affair). Rather than ending a relationship for attempting something many would consider quite noble, perhaps we should recognize the virtue of attempting it. Or at least we need to be understanding of it. Or, dare I suggest forgiving of it? Hell, maybe we can use it to make us stronger, to help redefine our relational identity and objectives. Yes, navigating the waters of trust building and reconciliation can be very, very difficult yet we can hope that our love will overcome the transgression of a human acting like a human.
Why? Who knows? You may be the next one to succumb to your human instincts. And who will need understanding and forgiveness then?
Alright, I know most of you reading this probably disagree with me. Say what you want, at least I’m somewhat consistent. Now check back with me in another 5 years for, “Cheating 2025.” At this rate, I may be pushing celibacy.
“I now would liken the goal of monogamy to anything in life we strive for, even while confronting the strong probability we will not achieve it, though not due to a lack of effort.” I like the idea of STRIVING for monogamy (if monogamy is a goal for you and your partner) instead of making this “unbreakable” promise leaving no room for the human condition. The only problem I have with this concept is the idea of going into the commitment with this mindset leaves a little too much room for mistakes in my opinion. When I set a goal for myself I don’t think to myself “their is a strong probability I will fail” because (in my mindset) I am already leaving wiggle room to do just that. I know couples who have gotten in blow out fights around things like forgetting the bread on the way home but the fight was not about the bread. It was about an underlying feeling of not being able to depend upon their partner. It was many forgotten loaves of bread that accumulated. With cheating, a lot of the time, the trust is being chipped away in more than just one act. It would be nice to just decide i’m not going to let this ruin a relationship but I think it comes down to both parties willingness to look at their part and their capacity to truly forgive the other for the trust that was broken. My beliefs, cheating is not okay. It is not an innocent lie. If all the people that work so hard to hide this lie worked just as hard to look at the “why” behind their desire to cheat and chose to communicate their needs to their partner I believe a much more fruitful outcome could be found.
I’m not sure I agree with you regarding monogamy being unnatural although I have been “unfaithful” in both of my marriages. I guess I just don’t see most of my acquaintances being as “active”. I do have one issue with the term “cheating” or “being unfaithful” in that I do see a difference between having a casual friendship with persons of the opposite sex versus having a physical relationship. Again, some of my “friendships” lead to physical relationships, but , to me, that’s beside the point. I just don’t believe most people are as big of a shit as I am/ have been.
Thank you for your responses Don and Emily. Emily, I agree with everything you have stated with one caveat. Hundreds of thousands of people run marathons every year full well knowing they are not going to win because their goal is not winning…though it would be nice if they did. They reap all the benefits of a marathon sans the victory. The fundamental perspective of your comment (“The only problem I have with this concept is the idea of going into the commitment with this mindset leaves a little too much room for mistakes in my opinion. When I set a goal for myself I don’t think to myself “their is a strong probability I will fail” because (in my mindset) I am already leaving wiggle room to do just that.”) is that cheating is purely a matter of will power. I would suggest that if this is so, have you already not cheated in the sense you really want to but do not? Yes, wanting to sleep with or date someone else is technically NOT cheating, though if you WANT to do it, what does that say about the quality of your primary relationship in the first place? It suggests you are normal. I would suggest that we all need to accept ourselves first and foremost as human beings AND OF COURSE we are going to have a propensity to sleep with other people at some level. You may give into that urge or not, yet it only points to the fact you are normal. Why can’t we treat it as such? Because we have placed such a stigma on it, it forces people to lie and be dishonest. If no stigma, then no lies.
Don…wow. Thank you for you honesty. It truly saddens me that you think of yourself as a piece of shit, past and/or present. I respectfully disagree with you Don…everyone is just a big “piece of shit” as you are. Perhaps all of this simply boils down to the salience of having sex with someone. We love to romanticize sex as an expression of love and such, and it certainly can be, though, in the end, we are all just animals and sex is a necessary component for the propagation of the species. It’s what we do and we are good at it, for the most part. Though I do have my off days 🙂
Very interesting take on this concept of cheating. Of course, I do have to disagree with you on this. I don’t think monogamy is “unnatural.” I think our true intent is to be with one person at a time, or maybe thats just my belief. I believe that the topic you are speaking on is much more complex than you may even realize. What you are preaching in this article, is to do the thing that’s easy even at the cost of the heart of another person. Which is truly selfish in my opinion, and shows a great deal about someone’s character. The real issue that needs to be addressed is a lack of self control. Since you chose to use the analogy of your significant other not picking up a loaf of bread and compared it to the idea that cheating doesn’t need to bother us if we don’t let it, I am going to give you one of my own. You say that, “If your loved one promised they would stop and pick up a loaf of bread on their way home from work and forget to do so, I doubt many of us would harbor deep, ill will towards that loved one. Unless, of course, we gave the act of picking up a loaf of bread great salience in the relationship. And that is our choice. And how we react to anything is ultimately our choice,” but what if I were to use that same analogy but about children? I believe that each and every person is inherently sinful, like it or not. As kids grow they have a tendency to scream, cry, and hit when not given a specific thing that they desire, until they have been taught otherwise. I think of your argument in the same way. Just because you feel that it is our natural right to do as we please in a relational and sexual way does not necessarily mean it’s the right thing by any means, just like a child’s desire to have ice cream for breakfast and to stay up until 2 am playing video games is in the same way, not right. Our natural instinct sometimes leads us to make bad decisions, but as we grow we are taught to do the right thing. I think that this article is entirely missing the mark of truly loving someone selflessly and unconditionally. You may be holding up to this idea that cheating is natural but some things just aren’t meant to be overlooked, or compared to the action of forgetting to pick up a loaf of bread lol.
Ok, there are a couple things I want to dissect here.
First of all, I want to say that I do not condone cheating, as I have been cheated on before and it fucking sucks. As a gay man, I like to think I am coming from a different perspective though. The time I was cheated on that I am referring to was in high school with my first boyfriend. To make a long story short, I was the first man he had ever dated and I was ok with that. (BIG MISTAKE)
He ended up cheating on me with a girl and did not find it to be a problem because it was with a girl and not a guy. If anything, I was more hurt. I can compete with a man but I can not compete with a woman. Anatomically we are not the same and I can not offer a man what a woman can.
I don’t mean to give the gays a bad reputation but I would like to think we do things a little bit different.
Sorry Jimmy, I am going to give you a little gay sex 101.
There are tops and there are bottoms, the top is the one who gives and the bottom receives. It is very common in the gay community for two tops or two bottoms to get into a relationship and bring in the missing link (top or bottom) from time to time to complete the puzzle. What I am trying to get at is that I don’t think I would be so upset if my boyfriend cheated on me with another man as opposed to a woman.
Like you said, why give the act of cheating so much power?
As humans, we are constantly evolving and changing learned behaviors.
Look at homophobia, slavery, racism, the Holocaust, all horrific things that have happened in the past that we have grown out of and strived to change.
I recently wrote an essay on why prostitution should be legal and one of my main points is we need to normalize it.
Sex is natural, without sex, we would not be here. But the Bible teaches us that sex is only used for reproductive purposes and that monogamy is the way to go. How many things has the Bible gotten wrong?
Our culture has taught us to shun Sex Workers and deem them immoral but in reality, everyone is having sex and being promiscuous. Why shouldn’t they reap the benefits.
Now just because everyone does something doesn’t make it ok but it also doesn’t mean you have to bash someone because you have an opposing point of view or values.
One other thing I wanted to bring up is in your first blog about cheating, you mentioned how prisoners get punished for their crimes but some still repeat their offenses so is punishment really effective? I totally agree with you on that, people are going to do what they want to do. My brother has been two jail 4 times and is now in prison. Why because despite all the punishment he’s received, he is going to do what he wants to do.
Lastly, just one thing I wanted to add, I don’t believe in marriage because I feel like it puts too much pressure on the relationship. People spend years trying not to fuck up and make the other person happy and they end up losing themselves. Why should you start such an exciting union with promises you can not keep? People find ways to cheat, new lies, involve others in their web of despair all because they couldn’t keep a promise they should have never made in the first place. Instead you should enjoy each others company and live in the moment. Shit is bound to hit the fan and you are going to face some struggles, but with open and honest communication, anything can be solved.
Sorry if this came off blabby but I had a lot to say lol.
Wow. Jimmy you are calling these people humans when they are in fact dogs! I completely disagree with the nature of cheating. It is a selfish and mindless action. Ask any cheater why they did it and half of the time they will answer “I don’t Know”. Earlier you wrote that cheating is a deal breaker for most people and I have to disagree. Cheating is a deal breaker for men, not women. I know too many women who have stayed in a relationship after their dog was unfaithful to them. As a child I watched my mom and the women before her accept and put up with husbands who have been unfaithful because to them “Men will always be men”. Now I won’t sit here and say women cheat less because I know that isn’t true. I will say that I truly believe women are taught to expect less from their men. Men are taught to expect the most from their women. Men have more respect for themselves and they never put up with infidelity. Ask yourself right now how many women you know who stay in relationships after infidelity vs how many men stay. I know it is not 50/50. The difference between men and women cheating is definitely something you should think about talking about on your blog.
Another thing you said. “Rather than ending a relationship for attempting something many would consider quite noble, perhaps we should recognize the virtue of attempting it. Or at least we need to be understanding of it or, dare I suggest forgiving of it? Hell, maybe we can use it to make us stronger, to help redefine our relational identity and objectives.” I do know a couple who through infidelity stayed together and became content. The husband used to cheat on her all the time and treat her badly. This woman stood by him through it all. He doesn’t cheat on her anymore. He now holds her on a pedestal, Maybe he finally realized the value in her and realized she is a good woman and wife. Maybe dogs can be redeemed.
I agree with a lot of what you said in this piece. Some of course I struggle to accept as having been in a dishonest relationship. Though I struggle to accept that extra relational affairs are natural, I cannot deny that it is of course natural to find companionship or some other element, if it seems to be lacking in life. However, I would disagree with your point that it takes “A shit ton of jealousy. Perhaps even the very existence of cheating is driven by a very unhealthy feeling of jealousy. Jealousy may be to cheating what overeating is to obesity. Without the former there would be no latter.” I disagree with this point mainly that I believe what is the crucial breaking element of cheating is not jealousy, its dishonesty. Personally, jealousy for me stems from outside factors. You never experience jealousy in isolation, it is only when witnessing or being around other people that jealousy steps in. Dishonesty meanwhile, has to happen inwardly first before it is expressed or acted upon. It is this breach of trust, which every healthy relationship needs to have in order to succeed, which makes cheating as vile as it is. For me, it is not cheating to be jealous if a partner is attracted to someone else. Though I may not like it, it is just a simple fact that people find other people attractive. However, the dishonesty comes once you act on these feelings. In full competent knowledge that what you did is not acceptable to your partner, yet doing it anyway is what makes dishonesty the overeating of obesity.
I think monogamy is important and natural in a relationship. Most people would agree with this idea although it is changing. Nowadays people are having open relationships or having one main relationship but sometimes slip up or have acts of cheating. I don’t think that jealousy is the cause of cheating though. I would say that people cheat because they are not content with their relationship or an argument happens and it’s “revenge”. Cheating should be seen as a negative thing to do, but there can be a positive on how it can make you stronger if it happens to you. I think cheating can be something you can possibly work through but if it is happening all the time then that person is unwilling to change. For some people, cheating is a deal-breaker, and I don’t see that as a horrible viewpoint but it could be quite harsh if the relationship was healthy except for the one act.
Ah Professor Urbanovich. “I can write in a sentence what it takes other people a book to write….no they can’t even right that much in a book” is a loose statement made by Nietzsche. Every sentence in this blog seems to be a thought and you could expound in many areas and in many ways with different aspects of this blog. I’ll say where I agree, disagree, and see room for a further conversation.
Agree: “Yes, navigating the waters of trust building and reconciliation can be very, very difficult” trust is possibly one of the most sought out virtues because of the fragility of it. If I came home to my parents after a week of dating a girl and said “she’s the one” they would probably say “give it a few more dates.” But if it has been 7 years they would probably ask “what are you waiting for?” In other words, trust takes longer than 7 days but less than 7 years. The problem is we just don’t know how long it takes to build. After building it, it can take seconds to tear down. It is extremely hard to foster care, trust, and love in a relationship but it is why I admire people like my parents (34 years) and many others who have stayed pure and faithful.
Disagree: “And it is this salience of “cheating” of which I am most fundamentally concerned.” I do not see why cheating should NOT be placed with such salience. cheating is an awful thing. It shows profound unexcused behavior and disregard not only for your former spouse, but the one you are now with, and shows a lack of integrity and dignity within yourself(which the world needs a lot more of). I think what you said about monogamy might have been misinterpreted by some. When you talk about it being unnatural, do you mean that it is unnatural because people continually cheat? Because I agree with that. But if you mean that it is unnatural in that it should not be that way, then I disagree. God has made us man and woman and for one man to be with one woman and to hold fully to that relationship in holiness and purity as it pictures Christ relationship to the Church (Matthew 19 and Ephesians 5).
Further discussion: “Rather than ending a relationship for attempting something many would consider quite noble, perhaps we should recognize the virtue of attempting it. Or at least we need to be understanding of it. Or, dare I suggest forgiving of it?” I could not agree more. If my wife is seeking forgiveness and reconciliation, I would never divorce her. Never. I would continue to love, support, provide, and protect her. If it was a girlfriend that would be different, but for a wife, I have committed my life to her and I intend to continue to do that ’til death do us part. I think a further conversation and even another blog on the importance of forgiveness is in place. Not forgetting, (but also not holding a grudge) because we grow and learn from our experiences and it makes us stronger, but absolutely forgiving as Christ would.
I know my views aren’t widely held, that matters little to me. I believe in the truth of the scriptures and people’s disbelief of it does not change reality. The truths of scripture are timeless and seeing how they apply to every aspect, I think it absolutely has a say in this blog. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
This article was truly something I was not entirely expecting to read on a Friday night as a l i g h t little blog post. I found what you said to be both fascinating, absurd, and completely eye opening in some ways. I have never been one who enjoys polygamy, rather – I hate the concept of it. Having the disorder I do, jealousy eats me alive nearly every day I’m together with a partner – female, male, whatever is favored. Regardless of how much trust, love, and faith I have in said partner or relationship, jealousy is something that gnaws deep within me. From being jealous of their friends to retroactive jealousy over someone they kissed once in the first grade.
Because of this overbearingly toxic issue with jealousy I have, I immediately want to be defensive when it comes to the topic of STRIVING to be monogamous over putting ultimate salience upon the act of breaking a monogamous relationship. However, I feel that, in some twisted way, I can understand where you’re coming from.
Relationships have been failing more often than not in the world around us, and cheating is definitely one of those factors that can make the end of a romance absolutely certain to take place. Although I would agree with this initially, I feel that, I have been with individuals who cheated on me and have given them another change. Granted, each time they cheated on me again, but does that mean that all cheaters are meant to fail in their attempt to rehabilitate their respect for boundaries in a relationship? That’s not for me to decide.
I’ve interacted with many individuals who enjoy polygamous or open relationships – I think that what was said here, when it comes to them deciding to settle down and attempt a one on one romance, is very much applicable to those individuals and shouldn’t be shamed if it is.
However, I also feel that it isn’t right to regulate the salience of cheating when non-monogamy is something that many strive for and demand back. For not only is cheating a break of trust and respect, but it also shows a lack of consideration and compromise for the individual being cheated on. There’s no reason why a person cannot discuss or communicate how they’re feeling beforehand before they CONSCIOUSLY decide to cheat. In that aspect, I don’t believe that we should lower our salience for cheating collectively. Though, I also don’t think that all people should end relationships they’ve worked years for over cheating if they are capable to move on from it. Overall, this post just made me feel complexed. I understand where you’re coming from, and what is to be said, but is it applicable to me or will I implement it? Not at all. It was still fascinating to read though!
Before I began reading this article I had no idea where it could go. I believe cheating has began to be more prevalent in the recent years than once before. While reading the main thing that caught my eye is when you spoke about your old acquaintance Cara and how she said “We were in an open relationship. He just forgot to tell me about it.” This is where I have an issue. I believe that is natural to have a wondering eye. However acting upon it is where the line should be drawn. I Think that if you want to be intimate with other people then you should be able to have a mature conversation about it. Personally I would not agree to being in an open relationship, but to each their own. I believe the topic of open relationships should be normalized. If it was seem as “acceptable” or “normal” the number of cheaters would decrease. Through my eyes communication and trust should be the center of a relationship and without those there is no relationship.
This will probably be the most wishy washy response to anything in my life, however I think this is a topic people should be more open to talking about or accepting the different dynamics of the subject without talking and/or not talking about it like its such a taboo thing. I think that for some people being monogamous is not as unnatural as it is for others, and for some it just may be down right unachievable. However I often wonder, if people fight the feeling of wanting to cheat, wasn’t the thought process there still kind of cheating? Or is that just another thing we also pretend doesn’t exist, natural human thoughts of others? Even for a split second? I think the whole recovery process of cheating is dependent on what each individual can handle or come to terms with, and what’s expected or okay or not okay moving forward. I don’t think cheating is okay. If someone crosses a boundary you set, it should be respected. However, where do we draw the line of respecting our partners when they want to explore the (new) boundaries (communicating probably never hurts here before just breaking trust you may have built), or god forbid if we ever wanted to? I believe we all have natural desires, and I think it’s just up to you and your partner on what’s acceptable or not acceptable.
From a young age, I have always told myself that I would not forgive my partner if they cheated. Truthfully, I think I would want to overcome that obstacle with them. The strongest relationships are the ones that are able to overcome tribulations. I don’t want to self diagnose or put blame onto others, but I believe my former opinion on cheating was highly influenced by my parents. I held resentment towards my dad for a long time because I saw the damage he had done to my mom when he cheated on her. It has been over 18 years and it still haunts her. In psychology class, I learned that humans are programmed to cheat. Every human has had the temptation at least once in their life. Learning that information opened my horizon and allowed forgiveness to enter. I am able to forgive my father for breaking his home and losing everything due to his attraction for other women. With that being said, would I forgive now? In my past two relationships I was cheated on, and of course I tried to make it work even though there was still hurt from betrayal. I put my trust in them and they sought others. Even though I was willing to try, they were not. The lies, the cheating, and hiding continued. The relationship just was not the same. I went through enough to understand what I was willing to go through or not. If I was willing to commit and follow through with my promises, why was it fair for them to fall through and continue to hurt me? I have a different mindset now that I am married. If my husband were to make a mistake, I would understand and forgive. If it was intentional and he continued his actions, I don’t think I would be able to stay. I can work through the first time, but if you do it a second or third is it really a mistake at that point?